This is a hard blog to write. I have a tendency to try and keep up appearances, even though I know that is counterproductive to being ‘real’ and honestly dealing with issues, both for myself and in ministering/sharing with others. Maybe you have faced this same issue. I KNOW I’m far from perfect, and part of me is willing to recognize and admit that, yet part of me wants to insist that all is well, and I know all the answers. As if!
From time to time something comes up, in a class, in a message at church, in reading I’m doing, that slaps me in the face with the realization that I am hiding from myself. I realize that I have been denying truths about myself, desperately trying to keep up the “good girl”, “strong believer” face, and I’m not even sure why. My head knows the right answers, but my heart is quivering in fear of having to honestly face myself in all the flaws and insecurities that I still have deep down, and truly surrender. I don’t know how – or even if I CAN do this, in those moments. Does this happen to you?
I even KNOW that that’s crazy, because I know that Christ in me has the strength that I know I don’t, and I know He certainly loves me enough to get me through this, and wands to do so! But it happens anyway. He wants me to be all I can be, all He created me to be, and I can’t until I truly and fully surrender to His Lordship. But my emotions are shuddering and quaking and shrinking away in terror of what will happen if I really face whatever the issue is. How do I let go of this fear? I know it isn’t of God, but I can’t seem to do anything about it. I’ve prayed and tried to surrender this fear many times, and nothing seems to have changed, or so it seems in that moment. In actuality, I know things have changed, because I’ve grown a lot over the years, and the things that stir up the fear aren’t necessarily the same now as they were years ago – although in some cases they don’t seem to have changed a huge amount.
A phrase out of a book I read hit me square between the eyes about this – “I started to see how much my efforts to replace God with self-sufficiency and self-righteousness had grieved my God and Savior Jesus Christ.” When I read that my spirit prodded me with the realization that I have been and am still all to often guilty of doing that myself. There are things I simply CANNOT do, in my own strength, so why do I even try? If I don’t surrender and let Him do it, it simply isn’t going to get done. Part of doing that, however, involves self-honesty, and sometimes that is as hard or harder than anything else I can imagine at the time.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not trying to say this struggle is over. By no means – it happens over and over. Part of me knows the truth and how to get past it, but the struggle still happens, time after time. I’m writing this simply to let someone out there in cyberworld know that you are not alone! Others have the same struggle. I have learned too much in my Spiritual journey to expect that I am alone in ANY struggle I find myself facing, including this one.
Abba, help me and anyone else who is struggling with this same situation to release the fear, open our heart, and let You in to heal and redeem whatever it may be that we are trying not to face. You know it all anyway, so we are fooling no one. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Keeping it real,